Shattering the Silence
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Daily Journal Staff Writer
Fred Jackson was terrified when he learned the day before being paroled that he was not going home — he was headed to “10 House.”
That was the section of Farmington Correctional Center designated for sexually violent predators before the unit moved outside the prison fences to its own buildings, he said. Fred, serving his second sentence for sexually abusing a minor, was worried about the kind of men he was soon to join in civil commitment for sex crimes.
“I thought I would be raped and beaten up every day,” he said. “There would be no ‘out date.’ What had I gotten into?”
Instead, Fred found a place where he could finally get help to open up about his problems, face his demons and take full responsibility for his criminal actions and thought patterns.
“I think this place is a blessing, because I’ve learned more here than anywhere else,” Fred said. “Treatment changed my thinking, and it’s changed my behaviors.”
Fred has spent the past five years in the Missouri Sexual Offender Treatment Center (MSOTC) in Farmington.
“Fred is a little different from most offenders in that he has a strong sense of guilt and shame,” MSOTC Chief Operating Officer Alan Blake said. “That is a strong element of recovery.”
Fred was in his 30s when he was civilly committed to MSOTC after serving time for molesting a grade school student, “Sandra.” It was his second conviction for sexual activity with a minor.
Fred said his sexual interest in young girls began later in life, after relationships with several women. But his relationships with females were not healthy from the start.
Fred grew up in a small town, the son of an alcoholic. His mother left without explanation when Fred was in elementary school. Because she did not take him with her, Fred assumed it was his fault.
“I thought I must be the bad child – I’m not worthy,” Fred said. “Eventually my brothers and sisters left, and it was just me and my father. I figured the only reason he didn’t leave me was because he was a drunk.”
Fred believed no one wanted to be with him because he was a terrible person. But he kept his feelings of guilt and emotional isolation a secret. He stayed to himself at school, never talked about his feelings with his friends, and eventually started hanging out with older boys who took him under their wing and taught him to steal.
His first sexual experience was at the age of nine when a baby-sitter forced him to perform a sexual act on her.
“I remember I got sick and threw up,” he said. “She warned me not to tell what happened, and I never did until I came here.”
At the age of 14, he became involved with an 18-year-old. Fred thought the girl liked him, but later realized that was a lie when she began humiliating him in front of others, he said.
As he grew into adulthood, Fred became a tradesman and began a series of relationships with married women. Those relationships were unhealthy as well.
“I got to where I would manipulate women and get them to believe I was better than their husbands,” he said. “I would do everything for them. I felt like as long as I was taking care of them, they wouldn’t leave me.”
Invariably, Fred would grow tired of catering to his current girlfriend and would insist she help out. That usually led to arguments, and the woman would leave, he said. The rejections reinforced his belief that no one would ever want him for himself, only for what he could give them.
Fred was afraid to be alone. As soon as one relationship ended — usually every two to three years — he began another. They all followed the same pattern.
At one point, a young teenager’s parents decided they would no longer put up with her behavioral problems. The couple, who barely knew Fred, asked him to take her in, saying the minor had ties to his family. Fred saw this as an opportunity to create the perfect companion.
“I was tired of trying to get romance from women my own age, because it didn’t work,” he said. “I thought if I got someone younger, I could teach her to be what I had wanted them to do. And I still wanted someone to take care of.”
The relationship was sexual, but when the girl became pregnant, she moved back home. Her parents reported Fred to the authorities.
It was his first sex offense and Fred received a plea offer. If Fred would give up his parental rights, he would do time in jail instead of in prison.
“I was so scared to go to prison, I’d have said anything,” Fred said. “When I got out, I moved to another town and got a new job.”
It was five years before Fred re-offended. He had thought he had finally found love with a woman — right up until he caught her with another man. The girlfriend moved out for a while, but returned to Fred later.
In the meantime, Fred became friends with young Sandra’s parents. The little girl lived in an abusive household, and it wasn’t difficult for Fred to rationalize his offers to let Sandra stay at his house for “her safety.”
“I could call child welfare or let her stay with me,” Fred said. “I didn’t call child welfare because I didn’t want to see her taken away from everything she’d known. I’d known kids in foster care when I was growing up, and I have heard the stories.”
But deep down, Fred knew that was not the real reason he failed to call social services. He had been thinking about Sandra sexually for nearly two years. He also knew those feelings were wrong. Other members of his family had been convicted of molesting children and had spent time in prison.
“I guess it’s hereditary,” he told himself. But he knew that was only an excuse to let him continue his inappropriate thoughts.
“I pushed the thoughts of her looking good and looking grown up out of my head,” he said. “But even while I was trying to push those thoughts away, I was pulling her closer.”
Sandra stayed at Fred’s house often. She helped with the cleaning, and he taught her to cook.
“She started to be a replacement for my girlfriend,” he said. “I looked at her as an equal. I started looking at her as an adult. She was always saying she wished I were her father and that made me feel good — somebody wanted me for me.”
As part of his “grooming” of Sandra, Fred bought the girl whatever she wanted, and took her to movies and other fun places. One night, while Sandra was sleeping, Fred went into her room and molested her. It happened two more times before he was caught. Each night, he told himself that he wasn’t hurting her and that she was unaware of his actions because she was asleep.
That wasn’t true, either.
The day after the first molestation, Sandra asked Fred if it was okay to keep secrets. He told her that depended on the secret. He knew then that she had awakened while he was in the room and probably was too frightened to say anything. But her knowing did not stop him from doing it again.
“I knew it was wrong,” he said. “Each time I did something, I’d talk to myself and say I had to quit, I have to get away from her. But I didn’t want to take her back home.”
After the third time, Sandra told Fred’s girlfriend, who told the girl’s parents. That night, Fred was arrested.
“The first thing I felt was fear,” he said. “Once I got to talk to the cop, there was relief that it was over. I had a lot of guilt, a lot of shame.
“She had trusted me with everything.”
At a hearing, Sandra cried and blamed herself.
“That hit me so hard,” Fred said. “It wasn’t her fault. I told them I would plead guilty because I didn’t want to put her through a trial.”
Fred was sentenced to prison, and served his time at Farmington Correctional Center. He entered the Missouri Sex Offender Program (MOSOP), but was given a parole date that fell before the end of the program. He petitioned the parole board to keep him in prison longer so that he could finish MOSOP, but they turned him down.
Fred prepared for release by making arrangements to meet with a therapist and a support group on the outside.
However, authorities believed Fred should not be on the streets. Based on the two convictions and false claims that Fred molested his own children, (the accuser later confessed to lying about the molestation), he was civilly committed to MSOTC.
Molestation is considered a sexually violent crime even if there is no physical damage, because the crime can cause victims psychological and emotional damage, Blake explained.
During the past few years at MSOTC, Fred has had to take a hard look at himself, his actions, and the choices he made that led to those crimes. He has learned to express his feelings in a healthy manner instead of bottling them inside until they corrupted his thought patterns.
He confronted his mother and learned the real reason she had left him behind. That helped ease some of his self loathing. The two have since grown close.
Fred also made peace with his father and has worked on repairing his relationship with his children.
“I’ve told them everything, he said. “One of them asked me, ‘Why? How could you do that?’ I explained that I was sick and I wasn’t thinking straight. All the things I’d bottled up all my life, I took them out on somebody else.”
He has not had any contact with his victims. The older girl seems to have straightened out her own life and their child was adopted by a couple, he has heard. He knows nothing about Sandra, but hopes she received counseling to help her deal with the harm he caused her.
Fred often wonders how different Sandra’s life would have been if he had never molested her.
“I think I was a monster to do what I did,” Fred said. “It wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal.”
Through treatment, Fred not only learned the causes of his behavior, he has learned how to change his thinking. He no longer sees girls and women as being the same. He no longer feels that he has to be in a relationship to be worthy. He acknowledges that he needs a support group and if he ever is released from civil commitment, he is counting on maintaining strong ties to the treatment center.
Fred said the men in MSOTC differ in their progress. Some still believe they did nothing wrong and might never admit that, he said. Others are working hard to change their defective thinking and learn how to prevent future criminal behavior.
Although there is no one at MSOTC who has been deemed ready for release into society, that is one of the goals of treatment.
“The people in here can be helped,” Fred asserted. “It’s not incurable. But you’ve got to be willing and you have to be honest with yourself and with staff and therapists.”
Paula Barr is a reporter for the Daily Journal and can be reached at 573-431-2010, ext. 172 or at pbarr@dailyjournalonline.com.
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